The whole point of investing in a closet you love is investing in realistic clothing for your time of life, job, family, and extracurriculars, not trying to copy a non-existent instagram reality.
I'll admit I have one (alright, maybe two) guilty pleasures when it comes to tv shows, and I refuse to feel bad about it. My guilty pleasure is Selling Sunset, where incredibly beautiful LA realtors tour the most expensive real estate in California wearing sky-high heels and skin tight Valentino suits. I also love following a truly creative fashion influencer. The way they can put together colors and textures can be truly inspirational.
One thing I have learned from the show and the influencers I follow (and from the one fateful and deeply regretted season I watched of Perfect Match) is those women can DRESS. Regardless of whether or not I agree with their fashion choices, they look painstakingly put together constantly, and I mean ALL THE TIME. I know this is reality TV and/or social media, which is pseudo-reality at best and completely fake at worst, but it doesn’t seem to matter if they were just dumped or gave birth two days ago: they dress like the world is doomed and the only way they can save it is if they come out and slay in their highest Louboutins and mini-est skirt.
My younger self would have found it aspirational; my late thirties self finds it eye-roll inducing, at least most of the time. Thank goodness I am not forced to walk a mile in their - I can only assume must be very uncomfortable - shoes.
I also recognize the sometimes outrageous, always over-the-top outfits for what they are: marketing. There is a reason every single one of the realtors cast to be on the show is better looking than the average person. Dressing well is meant to separate them even further from the other thousands of LA-based realtors out there sweating in the bright California sun. It’s the same reason influencers always look so polished and overdressed when they go on trips. These women are meant to stand out from the crowd, and they are using clothing to help accomplish it.
While clothing can be beautiful and memorable, it also needs to fulfill its core purpose of mediating the relationship between the human body and the world.
If you are like me, this overly dramatic and instagrammed world is only appealing from the comfort of my couch, a place where it is rarely 75 degrees and sunny outside for more than a few days in Spring. My reality is morning workouts, kid drop-offs, working from home, Saturday games, and Sunday church. I am rarely seen out past 9pm, unless I’m working in my garden, and I cannot remember the last cocktail party I went to.
I love my life.
But it is not flashy or fancy. I was not able to wear a white shirt until my kids reached school-age because everything I wore turned into a napkin for sticky fingers or a tissue for running noses. The first time I pulled out a white silk shirt after having kids, I broke into a cold sweat thinking about what novel, terrible ways they were going to unwittingly ruin it. I came out of my room wearing a dark overcoat for protection from airborne breakfast items and when I came home from work that evening, I ran directly into my closet before offering up any hugs or gooey kisses. I didn’t wear the shirt again for another three years.
While clothing can be beautiful and memorable, it also needs to fulfill its core purpose of mediating the relationship between the human body and the world. If it is cold outside, we add layers of warm clothing. When it is warm, we take layers off. Clothing was created to offer us protection and temperature regulation first, aesthetic pleasure second.
In my wonderfully cozy world of raising kids and plants and building my business, if a clothing item is so beautiful I am afraid to wear it or too uncomfortable to wear for more than a few hours, it does not fit well into my life and therefore does not deserve a place in my closet.
The whole point of investing in a closet you love is investing in realistic clothing for your time of life, job, family, and extracurriculars, not trying to copy a non-existent instagram reality.
The women on your screen are dressing for visibility. You are dressing for your one, beautiful life.
Here are my four tips on how to invest wisely based on your current lifestyle and clothing needs:
Look at your closet through your best friend’s eyes.
If you brought your friend or sister into your closet, would they be surprised by what they find? Perhaps your closet is filled with bold patterns and prints, but they only ever see you wearing muted neutrals. And those jeans you have been saving since college because you know one day you will be able to fit into them again. Would they recommend keeping them because they’re a great cut and wash for you, or would they gently place their hands on your shoulders and tell you it’s time to let the jeans go?
Better yet, bring your best friend over and go through your closet over glasses of wine. If you are blessed with good friends, as I am, you’ll probably have a good laugh at some of the things you’ll find in there, while getting a solid outside perspective on your true style.
She might even be able to put together a new outfit combination you had never thought of before.
Your calendar will tell you everything you need to know about your outfit needs.
If you keep a daily calendar, go through the past six months and look at the different events you attended. If your calendar looks at all like mine, it was filled with a few dinners, a few date nights, and a whole lot of kids birthday parties and activities. This tells me I need two to three solid dressier outfits, and the rest of my wardrobe should be filled with practical and un-fussy items that support my life as a mom, while making me feel put together and presentable.
Things like
Linen and cotton button ups
Jeans, shorts and Ponte pants
Warm sweaters and sweater skirts
A denim or linen dress for Sundays
My calendar is also telling me I do not need five cocktail dresses. First off, I cannot remember the last time I had a cocktail or went to a cocktail party. Secondly, if I was invited to one now, are these still the dresses I would reach for? Probably not. Time to move them along to new pastures and it is definitely not time to invest in another one, as tempting as it can be.
Use Your Most-Loved Pieces as a Blueprint
Whether you like to admit it or not, your past dressing behavior tells you a lot about your preferences. And you can leverage this data to decide which pieces make sense to invest in for the future. These are not the items you pinned and never purchased. These are the items you wore so much they had to fall apart before you were willing to let them go to their heavenly, textile resting place. For me, it was a pair of medium wash flare jeans made by the original Rock & Republic brand. They were one of the first pairs of jeans I could find that were long enough for me (I have a 35.5” inseam). I wore them until the seat disintegrated. A tailor patched them for me, and I wore them until the patches gave out. Only then did I let them go.
But, fifteen years later, what does this tell me about my current style? It tells me I feel really good in a medium to dark wash, flare leg jean. The dark wash and flared leg balance my pear shape beautifully, and make it easy to throw on a pop of bright color on top for balance. And if I find a pair with the right fit and the right length, I don’t hesitate to purchase them because I know they are worth the investment. The same is true of really beautiful cable-knit wool sweaters. I love the classic fisherman sweater, and if I find one in a soft wool and a good color, it’s a no-brainer.
What are those items for you?
Make a list of the items you have loved over the years. Go back to college or even high school and pick out your favorite outfits or items. What was it about them that made them favorites? Was it the color? The fit? The silhouette? The pattern? Perhaps your style has developed since then and you wouldn’t purchase the exact same item today, but maybe your favorite burgundy bolero from high school can be translated to a burgundy bomber jacket or cardigan for your current wardrobe. Understanding what made the item so beloved back then can inform your future shopping.
I have found as much as I like to think I am a different person now than I was twenty years ago, I still can learn from that awkward, skinnier, younger version of myself.
No one else should tell you what to wear - including me.
When I discovered my first gray hair at thirty-three, I thought I was afflicted with early on-set aging. None of the thirty, even forty, year old actresses or influencers have gray hair. Turns out, they’re lying. Gray hairs at thirty-three is normal. You know how I know? Because I started seeing ads for supplements which pause graying.
The same is true of our clothing. Yes, it sounds romantic and exciting to wear a tight fitting floral dress to the market on Saturdays, but how many times will you actually be going to the market? And of those times, how often will the weather align with a lightweight dress? If your life is anything like mine, it will happen maybe once a year. Maybe. The rest of the time it will be too hot, or too cold, or I have to jump from the market to a kids birthday party at the local humane society, where a dress will look ridiculous as I sit on the floor with five little puppies climbing all over me.
This is all to say: only you know your life and what clothing fits best into it. If all you are seeing on instagram is a crop top paired with a midi skirt but you have never felt comfortable in either, the best thing you can do for yourself and your bank account is to keep scrolling. As one of my favorite fashion commentators recently noted, Instagram is chock full of “unwearable” clothing. Don’t get sucked into thinking you’re missing out.
You don’t need to dress like a woman on tv. You definitely do not need a wardrobe built for a life you don’t live. You need clothing that meets you where you are—on school runs, at your desk, in the gym, in your garden.
The women on your screen are dressing for visibility. You are dressing for your one, beautiful life.
When your clothing reflects your days and supports your responsibilities, while still managing to make you feel like yourself, you will be better dressed than all of them.
Until next time,
Elise
